Finally!!

What a relief!! I had my psychiatrist appointment and let me tell you, I feel relieved. My panic attacks are being dealt with and I feel a little bit better. I think today is the first time I smiled in about a month. God bless doctors! Without them I would probably be under my bed, crying to myself. But because of them, people like me get the help they need!! Today I realized that there is more to life. For about a month, I have been so down that nothing looked appealing to me. But today, it felt like someone opened up the blinds just a little bit on my life. Thank you CAPS for helping me!!


You know, there are 418 days till Ben and my wedding and I am so excited!! My veil came in last week and now I am just waiting on my dress!!! I can't wait to marry Ben!!

If you all don't know, Ben took a job in York, PA last week. YEs, we will be living in Amish country and I am totally ok with that!! I won't move out there till I graduate but I am so excited to buy a house out there and finally have a yard of my own and a house to call my own!!

Anyways, everything is getting better on the homefront out here in Indiana!! Lots of love to everyone!!

Finally

Panic

Panic disorder with agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which there are repeated attacks of intense fear and anxiety, and a fear of being in places where escape might be difficult, or where help might not be available in case of a panic attack.

For the past several months, I have been experiencing panic attacks. I didn't know it at first that they were panic attacks.

I would sit in class, paying attention to class, when all of a sudden a wave of nausea came over me. I would tune into my body, checking each part of my body:

Stomach: Upset, might throw up
Heart: Beating fast, might have a heart attack
Breathing: Can't breathe, why can't I take a full breath
Chest: Pain in chest, again might have a heart attack
Brain: I feel like I'm about to loose control, I might scream, I might embarrass myself by running out of class, I might throw up in class...

This would happen again and again and it would happen always in class. First they started on rare occasions and then they became more frequent. I started missing class to avoid feeling like I was loosing control. I would get ready for class, walk to class, then stand outside of class just waiting for my panic attack to strike. I would walk in to class, sit down, and wait. I knew what was coming and I did not know how to avoid it. Sure enough, about halfway through class, the panic attack would start. It was a repetitive cycle that I couldn't control. I sunk into a depression. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I felt like a looney tune!! I stopped going to class.

Soon after my panic attacks that were happening in class, started to happen in different places: on the bus, in the car, in the grocery store, in walmart, in the movie theaters.

Finally, Ben convinced me to go see someone because I sunk into a bad depression where all I would do is sleep. I only slept because that was the only place where these attacks couldn't reach me. I made an appointment with CAPS, which is our psychological services here at Purdue. Dr. Williams is my psychologist. The first meeting I had with her, I cried the entire tome. I told her that I didn't know what was wrong with me and I just wanted to be normal again. She diagnosed me with panic disorder and she taught me some ways to help me through the attacks. She asked me what I wanted to get out of the therapy and I told her that I just want to start going to class again. She asked me then when the last time I went to class and I told her about 3 weeks ago. This raised a red flag. Not only have my panic attacks gotten so severe that I can't attend class, they are preventing me from basically going outside of my house. Because of this, I was advised to see a psychiatrist here on campus to prescribe me medication. I see him tomorrow morning.

Some of you are probably asking yourself why I have decided to share this information with you. I feel that the more people that know, the bigger and better my support system is.

Yes, mom, I will still graduate on time. No, this will not set me back any.

I really don't want sympathy. I don't want to be looked at like I am some looney toon. I don't really want to discuss this every time I talk to someone, but I do just want it to be general knowledge that yes, I am suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and no, I won't let this get the best of me. I will get better, with the help of my friends and family and my wonderful fiance. Panic attacks are not rare. More than 60% of college students have them. I will fight this!

Yeah Dress!!

So this weekend I did one of the most important things I have to do for the wedding....I got my dress!!! Thank you mom for the dress!! I tried on at least 8 dresses but the dress that I got was the first dress that I tried one. It is so beautiful and it makes me feel beautiful!! I can't wait to wear it!!! I also picked out my bridesmaids dresses and they are so pretty. I can't wait to get married!! Well right now I am on spring break and I am going to use this week to de-clutter my life. I'm going to go through my closet and donate clothes I don't wear anymore, donate things around he house I don't need and clean, clean, clean, clean!!!

This morning, I was reading on CNN.com about our economy and it seems that every time one checks, the recession gets worse. Cnn.com took a pool and said that 45% of people think that we are going to go into a depression within a year. If that doesn't send panic through one's body, I don't know what will!! I am scared for this economy, not only because I will be graduating within a year but also because my future hubby is looking for a job as well as my father is looking for one. I was just reading on CNN that AIG gave out bonuses this year. They took the money they got from the government and spent that on bonuses. This outraged me!! Here is our economy struggling to make ends meet and these big shots get bonuses for a company that was failing!! Well I'm glad that they are feeling the recession as well. They all should be fired and AIG should hire people that wouldn't care if they received bonuses or a $100K plus salary. There are many deserving people in this country that don't even eat every day that would kill for that job. Those AIG executives should really be thankful that they have money and a job. The way the economy is failing makes me worry, but what keeps me going is the thought that our grandparents survived a depression and hard times. If they can survive, we can too!! Until then....I'm saving my money!!

The Best Workout EVER!!

Ok, so I'm not trying to loose weight but I am trying to tone up for my wedding. Who doesn't love a buff bride walking down the aisle, right? Well I have tried so many types of workout DVD's, from Pilates to Hip Hop Abs. I bought the total gym, you know the one with Chuck Norris, and I also bought a gazelle. Call me ADD with workout objects, but non seem to catch my attention. I stumbled upon Hip Hop Abs and I love it!! Shaun T is probably the gayest man I have seen in a while, but he keeps your attention and he gets you moving. Well I started me exercise program and I was doing hip hop abs almost every day but then they weren't fun anymore because I knew what to expect from the DVD. So yet again I was on a quest to find a better workout DVD that kept my attention and that would make me feel like I was actually doing something. I went on amazon.com and found "The Biggest Loser" workout DVD. I read the reviews and they were excellent and so I thought, why not? I ordered my DVD's and when they came, I put them on the shelf until I was ready (does that seem like everyone's excuse about exercising or is it just me??) One day, when I couldn't close my pants, I decided to try the dvd out. OMG!!! This dvd is AWESOME!!! For anyone who is trying to loose weight...this DVD is for you!!! It totally kicked my butt and I was sore for about 2 days afterword. But the great thing about this DVD is the fact that you can mix up your workouts so you don't have to do the exact same workout everyday. For example, one day I did the low intensity workout and the boot camp and then the next day I just did the cardio. It was GREAT!! I highly recommend The Biggest Loser DVD 1 and The Biggest Loser 2 to everyone!!!  Right now, my bun feel tight, and my stomach feels flat!! Buff bride...here I come!!!!

Alright.....

Alright....I have finally decided on my wedding!! Ben and I are getting married at the Piper Palm House in Tower Grove park and the reception is at Orlando Garden's! That was probably the HARDEST decision that I have ever made. Ben and I bounced around the idea of not getting married in the church and yes we were both raised catholic, but I was the one who didn't want to have a church ceremony. Catholic churches have to many strict rules in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and I believe he died for our sins....I just don't want to be in a religion that lets you worship the way you want to worship. With the catholic church, ben and I would have had to do catholic premarital counseling, we would have had to do an engaged couple retreat, we would have had to had our ceremony be during a mass. It's just to much for me. I wanted the 30 minute ceremony and thats it. After breaking down crying and drinking some whiskey, Ben and I decided to forego the catholic church and so it in a place that gives us a warm feeling inside. We are still going to do premarital counseling....Purdue has a family therapy clinic that offers premarital counseling. I was so upset a couple of days ago because I wanted to please everyone else with this wedding. I was brought to tears!! But, Ben said something to me that made me love him even more. He told me that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks or where we get married, as long as he gets to marry me and as long as we are happy, it doesn't matter. What a sweet man!! I can't wait till I get to marry him!! So all in all.....we are super stoked about our location and we are super stoked about our reception. Now I can relax a little. You know what....no more wedding talk for at least 3 days. It is tiring me out!! Well I'm of to bed...have a long day tomorrow!! Chao everyone and best wishes and sweet dreams!!!

Recession, Recession, Recession...

After watching Obama's speech last night, I am more worried than ever. Yes, we will find a way, and Yes, we will emerge from this recession, but when. Everyday I check CNN.com to see if the recession has ended. Call me crazy, but I am hopefully waiting that one day a message will appear on the website and say "Recession is over....every one gets their job back!!" Because of this recession, it is putting finical woes on my friends, family members, and my fiance and I. We don't know how we will afford school, or if Ben will find a job after he graduates. This couldn't be a worser time to graduate. Even though the job market is still there, companies are being picky in their graduation choices. Money is the root of all evil. A wise man once said "If you always worry about money, you will never get anywhere in life." Money problems will always be there, not having enough, will always haunt a person. There is never enough. We as americans are greedy. Since when did 1 million dollars become not enough? Ben and I, we worry about financing our wedding, our college career, finding jobs, buying a house, getting a loan for our house, starting a family. These things worry us and will probably always worry us, but we are determined to work through it. Isn't that what a good marriage is all about?