Panic disorder with agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which there are repeated attacks of intense fear and anxiety, and a fear of being in places where escape might be difficult, or where help might not be available in case of a panic attack.
For the past several months, I have been experiencing panic attacks. I didn't know it at first that they were panic attacks.
I would sit in class, paying attention to class, when all of a sudden a wave of nausea came over me. I would tune into my body, checking each part of my body:
Stomach: Upset, might throw up
Heart: Beating fast, might have a heart attack
Breathing: Can't breathe, why can't I take a full breath
Chest: Pain in chest, again might have a heart attack
Brain: I feel like I'm about to loose control, I might scream, I might embarrass myself by running out of class, I might throw up in class...
This would happen again and again and it would happen always in class. First they started on rare occasions and then they became more frequent. I started missing class to avoid feeling like I was loosing control. I would get ready for class, walk to class, then stand outside of class just waiting for my panic attack to strike. I would walk in to class, sit down, and wait. I knew what was coming and I did not know how to avoid it. Sure enough, about halfway through class, the panic attack would start. It was a repetitive cycle that I couldn't control. I sunk into a depression. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I felt like a looney tune!! I stopped going to class.
Soon after my panic attacks that were happening in class, started to happen in different places: on the bus, in the car, in the grocery store, in walmart, in the movie theaters.
Finally, Ben convinced me to go see someone because I sunk into a bad depression where all I would do is sleep. I only slept because that was the only place where these attacks couldn't reach me. I made an appointment with CAPS, which is our psychological services here at Purdue. Dr. Williams is my psychologist. The first meeting I had with her, I cried the entire tome. I told her that I didn't know what was wrong with me and I just wanted to be normal again. She diagnosed me with panic disorder and she taught me some ways to help me through the attacks. She asked me what I wanted to get out of the therapy and I told her that I just want to start going to class again. She asked me then when the last time I went to class and I told her about 3 weeks ago. This raised a red flag. Not only have my panic attacks gotten so severe that I can't attend class, they are preventing me from basically going outside of my house. Because of this, I was advised to see a psychiatrist here on campus to prescribe me medication. I see him tomorrow morning.
Some of you are probably asking yourself why I have decided to share this information with you. I feel that the more people that know, the bigger and better my support system is.
Yes, mom, I will still graduate on time. No, this will not set me back any.
I really don't want sympathy. I don't want to be looked at like I am some looney toon. I don't really want to discuss this every time I talk to someone, but I do just want it to be general knowledge that yes, I am suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and no, I won't let this get the best of me. I will get better, with the help of my friends and family and my wonderful fiance. Panic attacks are not rare. More than 60% of college students have them. I will fight this!
